Desiderium
by BTR'slovesong
Summary: When Logan makes a regretful decision, his life quickly plummets to a living nightmare, leaving James, Carlos and Kendall without any answers. All they want is their little brother back.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey everybody! Sorry I took a little break from FF! Things have been crazy with my new job and holidays and such. But I'm back with a new story! I have a couple of things to say before we get started.**

**1; As of right now, all of my other stories are on hold. Basically, life got way too busy and I lost my inspiration for them, and I'm trying to get it back, but I have been working on Trapped and Silence for a year now and I just need a break from them. I'm sorry if anybody hates me for that. I just really want to work on a few new stories for the holidays.**

**2; This story deals with very dark things, a bit different than what I normally write. The rating will go up to M later. It is EXTREME Logan whump, but nothing very graphic, just dark situations. Anything really bad won't happen until about 10 or 12 chapters in, anyway. I already have several chapters written of this story, so updates will be frequent. My goal is to finish it by Christmas, but we'll see. All the boys except for Logan are 18. Mrs. Knight and Katie still live in Minnesota, it is just the boys who live in LA. **

**3; I know this chapter isn't very good, but it gets better later on… I think… I hope you guys like it. IDon't knock it before you try it! Haha.**

**WARNINGS (I'm only doing one of these, applies for the entire story): Extreme bromance, whumpiness, violence, scary and dark situations, language, non-con sexual situations. No slash. Oh and I don't own anything.**

"Dude, we need to talk about Logan. Right now." James took a step in front of Kendall, blocking him from leaving the living room, huge arms crossed in front of his chest. He decided he would not budge until he and Kendall discussed why on earth Logan had been acting so strange lately. The younger boy's behavior was really startling James, and he wanted to know if Kendall noticed this too or if it was just all his imagination.

"Logan? Why?" Kendall asked, genuinely confused, several books tucked tightly underneath his arm. He had just been on his way to his and Logan's bedroom to study for finals coming up. It was a stressful time for the 12th graders. Between all the work they had to get done as a band, they hadn't enough time to study and all of their grades were falling dangerously behind. "I kind of don't have time, dude. I know you don't care about your grades but I kind of do and I need to study so whatever it is, can it wait?"

James shook his head defiantly, long wisps of brown hair flying into his eyes. "No, Kendall- that's not true, I _do_ care about my grades but I care about Logan more. Something's up with him. I think we've just been too busy to notice."

Kendall cocked a bushy eyebrow. He didn't know what James was talking about honestly. "What do you mean? He's been fine. He's been busy-we all are- but he's fine… Isn't he?"

"I don't think he is, Kendall. This past month has been so insane, but I've noticed that Logan's not eating very much. I saw his homework and he got worse grades than all three of us, yet he's been studying so much that he stays up all night doing his homework. Have you seen how tired he looks? He's pale all the time, more so than usual with bags underneath his eyes. Gustavo has been yelling at him non-stop because his dancing and vocals are lacking, and when's the last time you've heard him laugh, Kendall?" James finished, his honey brown eyes staring into Kendall's slightly desperately. Kendall felt kind of like he was punched in the stomach as James relayed all this information. The brunet was right. They had been so wrapped up in school and work and the band that he had failed to notice something wasn't right with his youngest friend. He had skipped dinner not only tonight, but several nights out of the past couple of weeks, and there had been many times when Kendall had to carry a passed out, over-worked Logan to bed after falling asleep doing homework or memorizing songs.

"I'll talk to him. I'm sure he's okay," Kendall assured James. "He might be coming down with something."

"Do you think he's sick?" James asked, biting his lower lip with concern. He'd feel really bad if Logan hadn't been feeling good this whole time and his illness was just ignored. But if Logan wasn't sick, then what could it be that was making him so sluggish and moody?

"Maybe… You know how Logan is, he'll hide everything until he can't anymore, even if he's really sick," Kendall said.

"Yeah well he learns from the best," James said, gesturing to Kendall, who ducked his head guiltily. "Let me know how he is as soon as you find out. I'll be in my room."

"Sure thing James," Kendall said. James finally let him get through to his bedroom. Kendall knocked once on his and Logan's door. A brief and mumbled reply came from inside the room and Kendall figured it meant "come in."

"Knock, knock," Kendall sang out softly, closing the door behind him. Their room was dark save for a single table lamp next to Logan, who sat hunched over his desk with endless piles of papers and books stacked up in front of him. Logan did not reply, he didn't even look up at Kendall, who stood there somewhat awkwardly waiting for Logan to say something.

"Can we talk?" Kendall asked.

"I'm kinda busy right now," Logan said, his voice sounding a bit hoarse. That had been his reply to everything lately, and Kendall hadn't thought anything of it until now. This wasn't normal. Logan had been holed up in their room since before dinner, and it was now nearly midnight. The kid hadn't moved once.

"You still working on your homework? It's been hours, dude."

"No I finished mine an hour ago. This is Carlos' homework. Can't we talk tomorrow, Kendall?" Logan asked, never breaking eye contact with his book.

After careful consideration, Kendall decided he didn't care if Logan got angry with him; he reached over and slammed Logan's books shut and snatched his pencil right from his fingers.

"_Kendall!"_ Logan whined loudly, his cheeks turning bright red as he fumbled for the pencil that was now secure in Kendall's hand.

"Calm down, it's not the end of the world. I'm making you take a break," Kendall said.

"You can't _make_ me do anything," Logan hissed. "Now I just want to be alone, okay?"

"I can make you do anything because I'm the big brother. Now I didn't come in here to yell at you, Logan. You've been in here for hours and hours. You haven't eaten or drank anything since early this afternoon. I'm worried about you."

Logan looked down at his sneakers and scratched the back of his neck, his ears heating up with embarrassment, because Kendall was looking at him with that pout that said "I know something is up and if you don't fess, I'm going to be really upset and make you feel really bad about it."

Kendall grabbed his own desk chair and wheeled up to Logan, studying his features for a moment. Logan blushed under the scrutinizing glare. Despite his flushed cheeks, he was awfully pale, and he just looked so tired.

"Listen, Logie, James and I have noticed that you're unwell. Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No," Logan said quickly, quietly. He didn't want to talk about anything, not even to Kendall, even though that was the one person he felt perfectly safe telling anything to.

"Then there's no reason as to why you haven't been eating? Or why you have been moody and haven't even cracked a smile today? Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I feel fine. I'm not sick Kendall," Logan lied. Kendall leaned over and touched Logan's forehead with his palm anyway, making Logan roll his eyes. He was actually a tad warm, but still denied feeling under the weather.

"I've just been really stressed lately. Gustavo's been a butthead and school is weighing me down. I guess I'm just tired," Logan said. For some reason, he felt stupid for admitting that he wasn't doing so good. He should have known better than to feel stupid over something like that, it's not like Kendall would laugh at him or tell him to suck it up and do better, like his father would do to him. Instead, Kendall did just the opposite and wrapped an arm around his shoulders and rubbed his back for a minute.

"Carlos can do his own homework, buddy. You need to go to bed, get some sleep," Kendall said softly, pressing his nose into Logan's minty scented hair.

"Really?" Logan asked, as if it was the greatest thing ever to be granted permission to go to sleep early for once. He had pulled an all-nighter last night and he wanted nothing more than to just cuddle into his bed and fall asleep.

Kendall answered by dragging Logan to his bed and pushing him down against his blankets. He untied his shoes and threw them aside, then tucked his comforter up to his chin. "Good night, Logie."

Finally, Logan cracked a tiny smile, but something was missing from his usual sweet, goofy grin, as if his smile didn't quite reach his eyes and his dimples.

"Night Kendall," Logan whispered. Kendall clicked off the lamp and left the room to finish his homework in the kitchen. Logan snuggled into his pillow and closed his eyes, but sleep didn't come as easily as he thought it would. His mind was racing, filled with facts for his science test and the harsh bellows of Gustavo yelling at him for screwing up so much and the musical counts for the dance they were trying to learn in rehearsals.

Finally, Logan sighed and wiggled out of bed to grab his journal and pen, hoping that getting his thoughts on paper would help care his mind long enough for him to sleep. He had found refuge many times in his journal, and truthfully his past entries kind of scared him. He had been way too stressed out for his own good, so most of his entries were depressing.

_12-1-2012_

_My anxiety has been really bad today. It makes me feel sick to my stomach all the time. I don't know how to make the bad feelings go away, but all day long I was plagued with thoughts of how much I want it to end, literally, and that terrifies me. I dread going to school, something I used to love so much. School just isn't the same here. I exceeded in school in Minnesota and was part of so many academic programs and I was on the fast track to becoming a doctor. Everything was so good in Minnesota. I never once felt like this back at home. Yeah, it's cool being away from my dickhead father, and yeah, LA was fun at first but now all the glitter and gold has worn itself out. I just want to be a good student studying to be a doctor again, but instead, I'm in this silly boy band. It's almost like a waste of time. I mean I love this band more than anything, and I want my friends to be happy more then I care about my own happiness. But I just don't think I can do it anymore, go to the studio every day and spend hours singing and dancing and getting yelled at by Gustavo. Nothing I do is good enough in this band. I just don't want to do it anymore. I hate it so much. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to go home. I don't want to be a part of Big Time Rush anymore._

Logan sniffled, a couple of stray tears plopping onto the paper, smearing the ink a bit. He wiped his eyes hastily and shoved his journal under his pillow. Footsteps could be heard coming down the hall, and his door creaked open. Logan closed his eyes and pretended he was asleep. He heard Kendall tiptoe to his bed and a warm, large hand touched his forehead gently, comforting Logan. Kendall "Hmm'd" and let his hand linger on Logan's head for a moment before running his fingers through his tousled hair. Logan definitely had a touch of a fever. Kendall made a mental note to keep a much closer eye on Logan and went to bed.

Logan laid awake, waiting for Kendall's breathing to even out. When he heard faint snoring, he crept out of bed and crawled under Kendall's covers. The blonde was laying on his side, his arms wrapped around his torso and knees pulled up to his chest, thin lips forming a sleeping pout. Logan scooted closer to Kendall and snuggled against his back, letting his arm fall around Kendall's waist. He buried his face into the back of Kendall's neck and closed his eyes, finally, _finally_, falling asleep.

**A/N So… Do we want the rest of the story? Should I keep going? Too bad, I'm going to keep posting anyway. Maybe. ;) I promise it gets better! So… Review?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thanks so much for the reviews, everyone! This chapter is short for some reason… I just couldn't get it to be any longer than it is lol. But the next chaps will be much longer!**

"Logan! Hey, Logan get back here! Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

Logan spun around to face Kendall, who was chasing him down the hall of Rocque Records after Logan had something of a temper tantrum in the studio and stormed out. His cheeks were ablaze and there was a wild look shining in his eyes, but it was nothing compared to the fire in Kendall's eyes.

"What the hell are you thinking, Logan?"

"I'm thinking I don't want to do it anymore, Kendall!" Logan yelled. "I've been listening to Gustavo nitpick my butt of all day and I'm sick of it. I am going home!"

Kendall grabbed a fistful of his blonde hair in his hand and yanked, a habit he did when he was angry. "Well maybe if you didn't half-ass your work, he would stop picking on you, Logan!"

A look between shame and hurt flashed in Logan's dark eyes. He just felt so angry. This was ridiculously unfair!

"I'm working just as hard as you guys!" Logan defended. "No, I'm working even _harder_ then you and Carlos and James! Everything comes so… So easy to you guys! You know how to dance and sing without hardly even trying! It's not that easy for me! I'm just stressed, okay?"

"So are we, Logan! We're all stressed," Kendall said. "But we are about to embark on a world tour after the holidays! We are finishing up our senior year and trying to keep this band together and it's not easy to be a famous teenager, it's just _not_! So we are all freaking out and stressed out of our minds, but that doesn't mean that you can throw a fit like that in front of our boss! You got your ass suspended, Logan! Gustavo has never suspended any of us before."

Logan stared at the floor, his heart thumping wildly against his chest as Kendall scolded him, tears burning in his eyes. He felt stupid for acting like he did. Kendall was right, he needed to handle it better. "I'm sorry, Kendall," Logan whispered. Kendall just sighed and brought his little friend into his arms, sensing Logan just really needed a hug right now more then he needed to be yelled at. Kendall understood that Logan was a lot more sensitive than the rest of the band and was overworked, so much to the point where it was literally making him sick. Kendall's fears that something was wrong with his best friend had been confirmed earlier that morning, when he found Logan curled up in bed with him. That kind of behavior was rare but not unheard of when it came to Logan. He was clingy, only when something was terribly upsetting him.

Kendall rested his chin on the top of Logan's head, feeling the warmth radiating through his skin. He was still running a low temperature. "It's okay, Logan. Look, I was going to convince Gustavo to let you stay but I think you should go home and get some rest, alright? You still feel a bit warm."

Logan nodded. He wanted to go home, he really did. He wanted his friends there with him, but he obliged anyway, too worn out to argue.

"Okay. I'll see you tonight then?"

Kendall nodded. "Yeah. I'll make you toast for dinner, sound good?"

"Yeah, good," Logan agreed, finally calming down a bit. He sniffed and wiped at his eyes before giving a small wave and turning to leave.

"Wait," Kendall said, grabbing Logan's skinny wrist in his hand. He narrowed his eyes at Logan and frowned. "Are you okay, Logan? Like seriously okay?"

Logan's thin, pale lips formed a half smile, but just like last night, it didn't reach his eyes. "Yeah, Kendall I'm fine bro. I'll just get some sleep."

"Okay," Kendall said, but he wasn't sure if he should believe Logan or not. When Logan turned one last time and walked away, Kendall had a sick feeling in his gut, telling him he shouldn't have let Logan go yet.

"Hey, everything alright?"

Kendall felt a hand on his shoulder, startling him from his thoughts. James was standing beside him, his brows furrowed together with concern.

"Gustavo wants us back in the studio bro. What's wrong?" James asked, wondering why Kendall was staring down the hallway. "Is Logan okay?"

"I don't know, dude. I feel like I should follow him home, make sure he's okay."

"_Dogs! Get back in the studio now!"_

"We're coming Gustavo!" James shouted over his shoulder. "Why do you say that, Kendall? What did Logan say? Is he sick?"

"I-I don't know. He said he's fine, just tired. But something's wrong…"

"He's probably just overworked and coming down with something. Let's finish the day here before Gustavo kills us and get home so we can take care of Logan," James said.

Kendall chewed on the inside of his mouth thoughtfully, reluctant to go back into the studio if Logan really needed him. But James was right, Logan probably just needed some alone time to unwind and rest and he'd be as good as new by that night, and they could bring home pizza and watch movies, and every little thing would be alright. That's what Kendall chose to believe, but deep down, he knew he was wrong.

**A/N Yeah sorry that was short lol. I have little scenes in my head when it comes to my stories and that scene ended in 900 words. I thought it'd be longer. So… Review? :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks so much for all of the reviews! I'm so happy you all are reading my story :D**

After Logan walked home, the tears that had been burning in his eyes finally poured down his cheeks in a violent flow of emotion, forcing his tiny body to shake violently with each sob. He hadn't allowed himself to cry in front of Kendall, but as soon as he was in the solitude of his room, the sobs began. He lost all control, and only pain clouded his mind as he buried his face in his pillow and screamed, trying to release some of the pent up emotion. The worst part was that Logan didn't even know why in fact he was so upset. He should be happy. He had amazing friends and was in a very successful boy band, residing in a totally cool crib in LA. He was living the dream, but it didn't feel like it at all to him. He felt like he was stuck in a nightmare, like he was living a life that wasn't his and didn't belong to him. Logan was never meant for this kind of life, to be rich and famous. He just didn't want it anymore, and the walls were closing in on him so tightly, that it felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe like this. He couldn't live this life, not anymore. But Carlos, James and Kendall were so happy with their rising fame, Logan couldn't ever ask them to go back home to Minnesota and end the band. They would never want that. It wouldn't be fair to ask that of them.

Logan grabbed his journal and scribbled 5 words onto an empty page.

"_I want to go home."_

As soon as he scratched the words into the paper, he threw the journal across the room in a fit of anger. The small book hit the wall and bounced to the floor, pages sprawled out and bent. Then, Logan ran to his closet and grabbed a backpack from the top shelf. He shoved a few shirts, a pair of jeans, some under clothes, and his toothbrush and deodorant inside. He wanted-no, he _needed_ to get away, and that's what he was going to do. He was done. He didn't feel like he was important enough in this band or to his friends, so what would be the point of staying while he was so stressed?

Logan opened his piggy bank and took out some money, enough for a plane ticket and some food, and stuck it in his backpack, then collapsed onto his bed with his face in his hands. The guys were due home within an hour or two, and would notice his disappearance before he would be able to even board the plane home. He needed more time than that. He'd force himself to wait until later that night, when everybody was in bed, to run away. That way, he'd have plenty of time to get home and think things through before having to answer to his inevitably freaked out friends, if they even actually cared that he was missing. Maybe if he ran away, they'd just continue on with the band as if he wasn't even there, glad that the one person who was holding them back was finally gone.

Logan teared up again at that thought, that the guys didn't love him like they used to. Everything had changed, now that they were so famous. Maybe they wanted him to go away. Maybe they were just waiting for him to leave so they could reach their full and true potential without him. After all, he took so long to learn choreography, and he was so shy and introverted, the exact opposite of what a popstar should be.

Logan let out a loud sob, not caring how loud he was because he was alone. He was going to do it. Tonight, he would run away from LA, Big Time Rush, and his friends. Today would be his last day of being a boy band member.

After sobbing for nearly an hour, Logan's choked cries finally silenced, leaving him feeling breathless and exhausted. But he didn't want to sleep. He'd been having nightmares a lot, and he didn't want to have a nightmare without Kendall there to comfort him. So instead, he crawled out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen. He hadn't eaten properly in a very long time, so he figured he should probably make a sandwich or something.

Numbly, Logan went through the motions of putting together a turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat bread, his all-time favorite kind of sandwich. But after the first bite, he tried to swallow and it seemed to just get stuck in his throat as his stomach rolled uncomfortably. His dinner was suddenly not very appetizing at all.

Logan got up from the kitchen table to throw the barely-eaten sandwich in the trash and washed down the bland taste with a glass of water. After his failed dinner, he took a hot shower, savoring the scalding water on his skin and letting the steam clear his head and wash away any remnants of tears. Although he wasn't hysterical with sobs anymore, his train of thought stayed the same: He just wanted to go home.

When the water turned cold and he began to shiver, Logan turned off the faucet and stepped out of the tub. He grabbed a terrycloth towel and wrapped it around his waist before smearing the fog away on the mirror. Logan frowned when he saw his reflection. No wonder Kendall wanted him to go home and get some rest. His cheeks were flushed but the rest of his usually creamy skin was pale, and he just looked _worn,_ like he hadn't really slept in days, which was somewhat true. The miniscule sleep he had been getting was riddled with nightmares. He hadn't had a true rest in a very long time.

Logan jumped, his muscles twitching nervously, when he heard the front door of the apartment slam shut. He padded out of the bathroom, holding the towel tightly around his waist, and peeked around the corner of the hallway.

"Logan! You're awake," Kendall said, his green eyes lighting up when he saw his friend poke his head from around the corner. "How are you feeling?"

"Just fine," Logan said, wiping his wet bangs from his eyes. He couldn't help but to note the soft tone Kendall's voice had required, almost as if he was talking to a small child instead of his teenaged bud who was only a year younger than him.

"You're shivering," Kendall pointed out, worry once again clouding his green eyes. He put his hand on Logan's quivering, damp back and led him to his bedroom. He rummaged around his drawers while Logan sat on his bed awkwardly. He hoped Kendall wasn't planning on dressing him.

"I can pick out my own clothes," Logan said. His teeth clattered as a shiver coursed through his body. Kendall just ignored him. Logan coughed and stared at the floor. Yep, this was awkward.

"You should be thankful Gustavo sent you home, today sucked," Kendall spoke as he searched for the perfect hoodie for Logan to wear. He wanted him to be warm, but not overly hot, especially if he had a fever. "He made us do harmonies until we almost lost our voices. Actually, I think Carlos _did_ lose his voice. I don't know, I guess Gustavo is just freaked over the tour coming up, I mean I am freaking out too. We have 40 sold out shows coming our way, this is the biggest thing we've ever done. I didn't even know we had that many fans. It's gonna be crazy, bro. So I can see why he wants us to be perfect, but he's going a little overboard, ya know? Anyway, I-"

"K-Kendall?"

Kendall stopped his little rant and looked up in the mirror above the dresser to see Logan in the reflection, staring at the plaid pattern on the comforter and chewing thoughtfully on his pale, chapped lips. It was obvious the younger boy hadn't been listening to a word he said. He looked guilty and sad and pitiful, not at all like the shy, sweet Logan that Kendall was used to.

"Yeah?" Kendall asked carefully. He was taken aback by Logan's tiny, squeaky voice. Despite his timid nature, Logan always was able to speak with confidence to Kendall, but he seemed almost scared of what Kendall's reaction would be to whatever he was about to admit. "Logie, what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Logan's bony, white shoulders shook slightly. "I was just going to ask you if you ever have…. Have thoughts that kind of scare you sometimes?"

"What do you mean?" Kendall grabbed a huge gray hoodie and black and gray plaid pajama pants and sat beside Logan. He rolled the sleeves and put the hoodie over Logan's head, working his arms in at the same time, then pulled the fabric over his pale tummy. He had to roll the sleeves up a couple of times, or else they would flop over Logan's hands by a few inches.

Logan blinked as he let Kendall dress him, a single crystal tear falling down his suddenly red cheeks. He shook his head, as if he was trying to shake all of his thoughts away. He didn't like the way Kendall was looking at him, like he was a hurt and sick puppy or something.

"Never mind."

"No, you need to tell me," Kendall said with a pleading edge in his voice. Something was not right with his brother, and it was starting to really scare him. He'd never seen Logan's eyes look so blank and empty before. "W-what kind of thoughts, Logie?"

Logan's mouth formed a tight, light pink line. He snatched his pants and boxers away from Kendall, fiddling nervously with the fabric. "Can I get dressed now?"

Kendall sighed, running a hand over his face. He knew Logan well enough to know that he didn't want to talk right now. He wouldn't get another word out of his hurt little brother, not tonight anyway.

"Okay. I'll be back in a little bit to check on you."

Logan just nodded. He didn't react when Kendall leaned over and placed a quick kiss to his temple. He heard Kendall sigh one more time before he left, closing the door behind him. Logan stood up and let his towel drop to his ankles. He glanced at the mirror on the dresser and ran his hand over his stomach, which looked much flatter than usual. He realized he had lost weight recently, too much in a drastically short amount of time. He could even see his ribs, and his hipbones were starting to subtly jut out from his sides. Logan couldn't remember ever seeing the outline of his ribs so clearly before. It kind of scared him. He had changed so much without even noticing it, and he didn't like it. He looked sick and way too skinny.

Logan slid on his boxers and Kendall's pajama pants, nearly tripping on the bottom , being that they were several inches too long for him. But they were comfy and warmer than any of his own pajamas, so he let the bottoms drag along the wood floors as he hurried to the kitchen.

As soon as he entered the small room, he could feel all eyes on him, staring at him silently, judgingly. That's what they were doing. Carlos, James, even Kendall were all _judging_ him. Or at least, that's what he thought in his mind.

Logan coughed awkwardly and headed to the fridge, grabbing sandwich fixings out of the meat drawers, even though he had already tried eating and nearly gagged off the taste earlier. But he had to eat. He didn't like seeing his bones through his skin or feeling so weak. Somewhere in his newly acquired depression, he had forgotten that he needed to eat to stay alive.

"You're hungry?" Kendall spoke up, his voice cutting through the heavy tension in the air like a knife.

Logan didn't speak, he just piled turkey, ham and cheese on bread and stuffed a huge bite in his mouth. Kendall and James shared bewildered looks as Logan scarfed down his food like a wild animal that hadn't eaten in days. The most unsettling part was that Logan didn't even seem to be enjoying his dinner. It looked as if he was gagging with every bite, forcing himself to swallow his sandwich. But after he finished his first sandwich, he quickly started on another one.

"Whoa, slow down there buddy," James said with a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah, we're _really _glad you got your appetite back, but you're kinda scaring me," Carlos said. Logan was eating faster than Carlos ever had even in a corndog eating race.

Logan downed his last sandwich with a glass of juice and panted, wiping the back of his mouth with his hand. He looked up to see his friends staring at him, seriously freaked.

"Dude? What is up with you?" James' voice was soft, his honey brown eyes filled with trepidation. Logan tried to apologize when he realized how animalistic he had acted, but when he opened his mouth, his stomach twisted as it tried to digest the large amount of food he had consumed in such a short amount of time.

"Ow," Logan squeaked, bringing a hand up to his stomach.

"You ate too fast!" James said knowingly, rushing to Logan's side. He wrapped a huge arm around Logan's shoulders, hoping the smaller boy wouldn't throw up. Logan groaned and shook off James' arm, taking off towards the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

"Logan! Ugh, crap," Kendall cursed under his breath, stomping down the hallway. He threw open the door and knelt next to Logan, who was vomiting into the toilet. He glanced at Kendall with tears in the corner of his eye before more heaves came.

"Kendall, I'm sorry," Logan whimpered. His stomach finally stopped wreaking havoc, and he coughed up the last bit of bile and sat Indian-style on the floor, his cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"Don't be sorry," Kendall scolded gently. He wiped Logan's mouth with a washcloth and studied his friend closely. He looked so sick and broken. Kendall just wanted to fix him. "You shouldn't have eaten so fast. What was that all about? I'd never seen you act like that before."

Logan shrugged. He didn't want to tell Kendall that he was afraid he'd been losing too much weight and basically binged. Throwing up was never his intention. "I was just hungry. Please don't worry about me, Kendall, I'm fine- Kendall!" Logan shook his head away from Kendall's hand when he tried to feel his forehead for fever. Kendall frowned disapprovingly.

"That's a pretty stupid and impossible request, to tell me not to worry, when you have been acting like you have lately."

"I know, I'm acting like a psycho, I'll fix it okay?' Logan said, a rough edge to his voice, like he was forcing himself not to yell.

"I don't want _you_ to fix it, I want you to let me help you fix it. Obviously something is wrong. Please just let me in before it gets really bad!" Kendall yelled. Logan flinched. Even though Kendall raised his voice out of frustration rather than anger or meanness, he still felt really small and useless whenever Kendall yelled at him.

"I'm sorry," Logan said again. It was all he could think of to say, when _he_ knew and Kendall didn't, that it was already bad. He had done a good job of hiding it for the past month or so, but he couldn't take it any longer. He had reached his breaking point.

"Look, you're exhausted. Go on to bed. I'll be there soon. I need to talk to James and Carlos for a bit."

Logan turned on his heel and went to his and Kendall's room without so much as a goodnight. He knew Kendall wanted to talk to the other guys about him, and for some reason, that made him feel really pathetic, not to mention the blood in his veins coursed with shame over his actions that night. He had really scared his friends, for no reason at all.

Logan curled up in his bed, shrugging to himself. Very soon, they wouldn't have to deal with his problems anymore, anyway.

**A/N Next chapter, things start getting good! Hey, if you don't already, follow me on twitter! Channy_Girl20 right now I don't have a profile pic because it won't let me upload a photo or header for some reason, but it's me, I promise! Thanks for reading! I'll love you forever if you drop a review!**

**Oh and I forgot to mention! The reason why this story is named Desiderium is because I wanted to name it something along the lines of regret, but that seemed to cliché, so I looked up the Latin word for regret and found that desiderium not only means regret (on Logie's part) but also a strong longing for the lost (on Kendall, James and Carlos' part) so I got really excited and that's why this story has a strange Latin name. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N thanks so much for all of the reviews! I know I suck at replying but I will asap! Sorry this chapter is kind of late, I wanted it up yesterday but I got hit with the stomach flu and died for a day lol. But now I'm back! **

After saying good night to Logan, Kendall found James and Carlos sitting in the kitchen, anxiously waiting for the blonde to come back. They were quiet for once, too lost in their worry for Logan to engage in any of their silly fights or games they'd make up.

"Is he okay?" James asked, the first to break the silence. Kendall leaned against a counter thoughtfully and shrugged one shoulder.

"I-I don't think so, guys. I want to let him sleep for now, but tomorrow we are sitting him down and getting an answer whether he likes it or not. I have no idea what's going on with him. It seems so sudden, this behavior. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that he hasn't been himself for a while. We have just been too busy with the upcoming tour to notice it," Kendall ended guiltily.

"Is he sick?" Carlos asked, his voice small. He didn't want Logan to be sick. Ever since he could remember, Logan was the one who took care of _him_ when he was sick. Logan rarely got ill. Knowing that he threw up that night was very unsettling to Carlos.

"I think it's more than just that, buddy," Kendall said sadly, getting to work on a pile of dishes in the sink. He had to do something with his hands. He was just a nervous bundle of energy right now.

"Well what's wrong with him?" Carlos pressed on, as if he expected his older friends to have all of the answers, because they usually did.

Kendall dropped his scrub brush that he was washing dishes with in the sink with a clang and peered over his shoulder. "Carlos, it's late, I think you should head to bed."

Carlos scowled. "Just because I'm younger than you guys doesn't mean I can't be a part of the conversation. I know you're only sending me to bed because you want to tell James something you don't think I should hear. But he's my friend, too, Kendall. I need to know."

Kendall exchanged a glance with James. It was true, Kendall had something he wanted to tell James about Logan that he didn't think would be appropriate for Carlos to hear. But Carlos was right, he couldn't just send him to bed over something like this, not when it had to do with his best friend.

"Okay, but don't freak out guys. My mind is just a jumbled mess trying to figure out what might be up with Logie," Kendall explained. "When we got home and I was in his room, he was just in a towel. I was distracted at first and then he spoke up and I heard something in his voice that just… _Hurt _me. It hurt me because I could hear all the pain he must be holding up inside of him, and I got a good look at him. He doesn't look himself. Not only does he look so sad, but he's lost weight. A lot of it. I never noticed because he always wears such baggy clothes, most of the time he wears my and James' hoodies and stuff. But he's so skinny and frail. And then tonight he just randomly came in and ate like a ravenous animal or something…"

"Kendall, what are you getting at?" James asked slowly, though he was pretty sure what Kendall was implying. "Th-that Logan has an eating disorder?"

"I don't know," Kendall replied, a little too quickly. He didn't want to believe it. "I mean, he's always been kind of self-conscious, but he's too smart to that to his body. But if he's feeling ugly, you know… People are capable of doing terrible things to their own body when they feel that low about themselves."

"Not Logie though," Carlos said. "Besides, he's never had a problem with his weight, and nobody ever picks on him for his weight, if they did I'd kill them," Carlos' voice grew with panic as he thought of Logan dealing with such a horrible thing.

"Ssh, calm down 'Litos. It's just a theory, okay? Let's just keep an eye on his eating habits. We can't just ask him flat out. It will scare him away. We need to keep an eye on him altogether and figure this out. He's been our best friend and our baby brother since we were little. We'll find out what's going on with Logan and help him," Kendall said, gaining that familiar leader tone in his voice. "Tomorrow will be a better day. Let's go to sleep now, okay?"

Carlos rubbed at his eyes. He was sleepy now that the day was over, but worry still gnawed at the back of his mind. He and James both wished they could check on Logan, but Kendall seemed to have it under control. They knew Kendall was the one Logan opened up to the most when upset.

After James and Carlos shuffled to bed, Kendall finished the dishes and snuck into his room to dress for bed quietly. He crept over to Logan's bed to find the brunet wide awake, curled on his side and staring out the window. Kendall lowered himself onto the bed behind Logan and wrapped an arm around his waist. Logan instantly sunk into Kendall's embrace, leaning his head against his firm chest.

"You're still awake," Kendall stated, hoping Logan would tell him why he was lying awake for so long. "You okay?"

To Kendall's dismay, Logan nodded. "Go to sleep Kendall, I'm fine. I know you're tired. You need your energy for rehearsal tomorrow." Logan made a sound between a grunt and a squeak when Kendall pulled him tighter into his arms. Soon, Kendall's breathing evened out and soft snore were emitted from his parted lips. He was definitely way more tired than he had been letting on.

About an hour passed by before Logan was sure that apartment was asleep. If anybody caught Logan sneaking out, well, he'd never be able to go home after that. The boys would attach themselves to him like a leech, and Logan really didn't want that. All he wanted was a break, to see his mom for a little while and just breathe for a few days.

Logan carefully pried Kendall's long fingers from around his stomach and wiggled out of his grasp and placed a pillow in his arms in place of him. Then, he leaned over and kissed Kendall's temple and tucked a blanket around his shoulders.

"Love you Kendall," he whispered, before grabbing his backpack from under his bed and sneaking into the living room. He tied on his sneakers, took one last look at his beloved apartment, and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

**A/N And so starts the bad stuff. Nothing good ever happens when you run away, especially in a city like Los Angeles… **

**Review? :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Thanks for each and every review, including anonymous reviewers! They make my day! **

Logan was surprised by how cold it was outside. Sure it was early December, but he wasn't expecting the wind to be so bitter. He pulled Kendall's hoodie around his shoulders tighter and forced his small legs to walk fast across the street. LAX was several miles away, but he knew a couple of shortcuts to get there quicker. He hoped to be there in a couple of hours, and the thought of coming home to his mother made him move a little bit faster.

No more tour, no more fame, no more photo shoots, no more degrading rehearsals and privacy-prying interviews.

He could finally have his _life_ back.

By two AM, Logan made it to LAX. The usually crazy busy airport was actually quite calm at such a late hour, and before he knew it, Logan had a 4 AM one-way ticket back to Minnesota nestled in his hands.

"This is it, I'm going back," the desperate brunet whispered to himself. He'd be home by morning. Logan let out a heavy sigh as he stared at his ticket. The idea of going home was so tempting. But now that it wasn't just an idea anymore- it was _real_, Logan wasn't so sure. The guys would be angry with him! He couldn't leave the band now. Like it or not, he was a part of that boy band, he was needed. He had thousands of fans relying on him. His best friends relied on him. This wasn't a game. It wasn't something he could just choose not to do whenever he felt like it. Of course it would be hard, nobody said fame would be easy. But leaving the band, even if for a few days? That was the wrong choice.

"Ugh, what am I _doing?"_ Logan murmured after several moments of contemplation, suddenly feeling very lonely in the huge airport. He threw the ticket in the trash and ran out of the airport so he could get back home and in Kendall's arms, where he truly belonged. The guys could help him through whatever he was going through. He just had to let them in. It would be okay, Logan hoped.

The walk home seemed to take longer than the walk to the airport. It was too late for a young boy to be roaming around a dangerous, crime riddled city, and Logan's dangers receptors were going off. It wasn't safe for him to be out at this time of night. Nothing looked familiar, and Logan realized with dread deep in his stomach that he probably took a wrong turn instead of a shortcut.

"Oh no," Logan whispered, shivering against a strong gust of cold wind. He took his phone out of his backpack and stood on the empty, dark sidewalk to pull up his GPS. He saw a street sign across the way and squinted to read the letters, but as he entered his location into the device, he heard a soft scuttling noise from inside an alleyway right next to him.

Logan froze, holding his breath, waiting to hear the noise again. But the alley stayed quiet.

"Probably just a raccoon," Logan muttered. He began to walk among the strange, tall buildings towards home, but two strong arms pulled him into the alley from behind.

Logan's first instinct was to yell for help, but a beefy hand covered his mouth, not that there was anybody around to hear him scream. Anybody with common sense was at home at this time of night, safe in bed, not roaming the streets of LA.

Logan's small body was thrown to the dirty street below as if he was a ragdoll, and before his mind could register what was happening, something sharp and glinting silver in the moonlight was pressed against his neck. Logan's heart pounded rapidly in his chest as he looked up to see a large man dressed in black standing over him. He was grinning for some reason, even though he was pressing a knife to his neck. Logan didn't find anything amusing about this situation.

"Please, there's money in my backpack, just take that and leave me alone," Logan choked out in a shaking voice. Honestly, he was surprised he could even talk, considering all he wanted to do was cry or maybe vomit. He never felt such cold fear run through his veins before. He didn't know what to do. There was nothing he _could_ do. This guy was going to hurt him, no matter what Logan tried to do.

"Yeah? How much you got?" The man asked, pressing the knife harder to Logan's jugular. If he pressed any harder, well, Logan would be in serious trouble.

"Like 100 or so, I don't know!" Logan wailed, and now tears were streaming down his cheeks. He wanted Kendall, he wanted his mother. But Logan's sobbing seemed to only make the thug excited.

"You little runaways are my favorite. So young, so scared. Fresh meat," he sang out. Logan shivered with fear.

"I'm not a runaway, I have a family who I love. Just let me go," Logan pleaded. "Take everything I have, I don't care. Just let me go."

The thug removed the knife from his neck and grabbed for his backpack, obviously thinking his prey would be too scared to do anything. Logan sighed with relief once the cold metal left the sensitive skin. As the man searched Logan's backpack, Logan quickly rolled away from him and stumbled to his feet, making his escape. But he only got to the mouth of the alleyway before he was tackled off his feet and thrown once again to the street, his head colliding with the rough pavement painfully.

"You little shit!" The thug hissed through his teeth. Logan blinked away stars and tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but his body tensed in shock and pain as something sharp entered his abdomen and was just as quickly ripped out.

"Aggghhhh!" Logan screamed, followed by a sob. He knew what happened without even looking. The man stabbed him with the knife. He could feel blood already gathering beneath him, forming a sticky, sickening puddle on the street.

"Kendall! Kendall!" Logan screeched, even though it was useless, Kendall was fast asleep at home, with no idea that he was even in danger and so close to death. The agony was so intense that darkness threatened to take over his vision. He took one last glance at the thug who stabbed him, standing over him, watching him bleed out with no mercy at all shining in his eyes.

Logan whimpered and shut his eyes tight, slowly slipping into unconsciousness, when an angry yet protective voice shouted through the small alleyway.

"Get away from him! The boy is mine!"

"K-Kendall?" Logan whimpered weakly, blinking his eyes opened to tiny slits, tears mixing with blood on the pavement. He was vaguely aware of the sounds of a fight, but his eyes drooped closed. He was so tired and cold. Kendall was here, he would take care of him. It would all be okay.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he was yours!" The man who stabbed him cried out, running past Logan and out of the alley, as if whoever was there threatened him something horrifying. Logan's body instantly relaxed as fingers were threaded through his hair.

"It's okay, you'll be okay little guy," the voice said in his ear, and Logan could have sworn in his delirium that it was Kendall. Kendall really did come to his rescue. He was safe now.

**A/N Who thinks that Kendall saved Logan? I'm not telling until next chapter! Until then… Review? :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Guess what! All of you were right. That was not Kendall who saved Logan! Uhoh…**

Kendall woke up with a start. Gray light streamed through the shades, indicating it was early morning, maybe 6 AM. His heart was pounding, as if he had a nightmare, but he couldn't recall what it was about. But what really sent him into a panic attack, was that Logan wasn't nestled in his arms. Instead, he was clutching a pillow with an almost death-like grip.

"Logan?" Kendall called out in a gruff, sleep-laden voice, throwing the pillow to the floor. He stumbled out of bed groggily and into the kitchen and living room. There was no sign of his little friend anywhere. He couldn't quite place his finger on why he was so worried about Logan, but he guessed it had something to do with his nightmare. "Logan!"

"Hey, what's going on?" James ran out of his and Carlos' bedroom, tying his red silk robe around his waist.

"Logan, I can't find him," Kendall said breathlessly.

"Whoa relax, maybe he's taking a piss," James said. He looked inside the bathroom to find it empty.

"He's not anywhere, James I looked all over the apartment."

"His shoes are gone," James said. "Maybe he went for a walk to clear his mind? Don't be too freaked out man, I take walks all the time in the morning when I'm stressed."

Kendall sighed, rubbing his aching temples. "I know, I just would like to know where he is at all times, you know? While he's in such a… A funk, I guess."

James took Kendall by the shoulders. "I'm freaking out about Logan too, dude. But it's not like he's going to break into a million tiny pieces when we're not around. Honestly, he might need a little time away from us. We've all been holed up in the studio for weeks now with no time off at all. I'm ready to punch you all in the face." Kendall chuckled, because it was true. James was always able to talk sense into him on the few occasions that he lost his mind. "Logan's the kind of kid who needs space. We'll talk to him when he comes home."

Kendall relaxed in James' tight, comforting grip and patted his hand. "Yeah, you're right, dude. Sorry I flipped out like that. I guess I had a nightmare and it scared me."

"You had a nightmare?" James asked, a frown of concern etched on his perfect features. Kendall ducked his head and blushed, nodding.

"Yeah, I think it had something to do with Logan. I have this really sick feeling in my stomach now, like something is wrong and I'm not there for him to help him."

"It was just a nightmare, Ken," James told him gently. "I can't think of a single time you weren't there for that kid. He's a tough cookie and he likes to keep to himself. That's just Logan. You don't have to feel guilty about any of this. Promise?"

"Too late, I already feel like the worst brother and friend on this earth," Kendall muttered. James just took Kendall into his arms to give him a strong, supportive hug.

"That's not true. Kendall, it was just a nightmare…" James soothed, rubbing Kendall's back for a few moments. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks bro," Kendall said, pulling away from the tight embrace. "I needed that, James. Thanks. I-I'm gonna go get a shower, try to take my mind off things."

"Good thinking. I'm going back to sleep, since we have 3 hours until we have to be at the studio." James shuffled back to bed, and Kendall took his time grabbing a shower and dressing for more tedious, tiring rehearsals. 30 minutes before rehearsal time at 8:30, Kendall was sitting impatiently on the couch, waiting for Logan to come through the unlocked door. With each passing minute, Kendall became even more anxious as the pit in his stomach grew even bigger. Carlos and James were admittedly worried too. Logan had been gone for quite a bit now.

"We have to get to rehearsal or Gustavo will kill us," Carlos said. "Logan hasn't answered any of our texts or calls. He obviously doesn't want to be bothered."

"I don't know, guys. I know this sounds crazy but what if he's not back yet because he's… He's hurt or something? He's never ignored our calls like this before and he's always prompt for rehearsals. I'm not going to the studio until he comes back," Kendall said.

"But-" Carlos began to argue, but James put a hand on his shoulder and stopped him.

"It's okay. We'll cover for you dude," James said. "Let us know as soon as Logan comes home, I'll have my phone on the whole time."

"I will," Kendall said. James and Carlos left for rehearsal, leaving Kendall alone with his frantic thoughts. He paced the apartment repeatedly. He even left for a moment to go ask Camille, Guitar Dude, and Logan's other friends if they'd seen him. He checked the pool and lobby and even the school to see if he was studying his woes away, but there was no sign of Logan anywhere and nobody had seen him all day. After a few minutes of scouring the Palmwoods for Logan, Kendall ran back up to their apartment. He wanted to be there just in case Logan came back, and he had a spark of hope in his belly that maybe Logan returned while he was at the pool and was home, on the couch watching TV. But to his dismay, the apartment was just as empty as it was when he left.

"Logan, where are you buddy?" Kendall whispered, trudging to his and Logan's bedroom. He collapsed on his bed, resting his hands beneath his head. This was not like Logan at all, but then again, none of Logan's actions lately was very remnant of his usual behavior.

Kendall sighed and turned his head towards Logan's bed, wishing the brunet was in it, when he spotted something across the floor. It looked like Logan's journal, tossed carelessly so all the pages and front flap was bent.

Kendall rolled out of bed and picked up the small journal, flattening out the pages, then read the last written page.

"_I want to go home."_

The page was tear-stained and the words were smudged. Kendall brought the journal up to his heart, his stomach sinking as realization dawned on him. He rushed to Logan's closet and slid open the door to find several shirts missing, as well as his backpack. Suddenly everything was making sense as he looked around Logan's room. His piggy bank was misplaced and the bottom was detached, like he opened it and took all the money. Kendall picked up the plastic pig to find it empty. His deodorant and comb that he always had on his dresser was missing as well.

Logan left.

Kendall dropped the piggy bank and ran to his phone, punching in James' number frantically. He waited impatiently as it rang a couple of times.

"Kendall! Is Logan home?" James answered the phone.

"No, James, you guys need to get home now. Logan's gone."

James and Carlos drove home like maniacs after the phone call. They stormed inside the apartment, desperate for answers. What they found was Kendall sitting on the couch with a small, leather bound book in his hands, his face withdrawn as he stared at the pages with tears in his eyes.

"Kendall, what is it?" James asked, sitting next to Kendall, a hand on his lower back for comfort.

"H-he went home," Kendall choked out. "I only read the last couple of pages, because he wouldn't want us to read his things. But he left us, guys."

James rubbed Kendall's back with one hand and took the journal from him with his other, his eyes scanning over Logan's last entry from the other day.

"Home?" Carlos asked, reading over James' shoulder. "But he is home, this is our home…"

"I think he means in Minnesota," James said. He took out his cellphone and called up Mrs. Mitchell.

"Oh hi James," the motherly voice came from the other line. "How are you?"

"Um, I-I'm fine," James muttered. "How's Logan, Mrs. Mitchell?"

The other line was quiet for a moment. "What do you mean, James?"

James swallowed thickly. He had to be home, where else could he be? "D-didn't Logan come home, Mrs. Mitchell?"

"No, honey… You boys have been so busy that I haven't even spoken to him in over a week. What on earth is going on?"

"We found a journal entry of Logan saying he wanted to go home. His clothes and things are gone and we figured he came home. He's not there yet?" James asked.

"I've heard nothing about him coming home! I'm going to call him! Is he missing?" Mrs. Mitchell asked, sounding slightly panicked, which was exactly how James felt.

"We haven't seen him since bedtime! We woke up and he was just gone," James said. His voice was starting to crack with emotion. "He won't answer our calls. We don't know what to do!"

Mrs. Mitchell sounded distressed over the phone as she contemplated what to do to find her son. Logan never, ever pulled something like this. "If he doesn't show up by this afternoon, fill a missing persons report," she said brokenly. "I'll be in LA by this evening if he doesn't show up here. Keep me posted."

"Yes ma'am," James said. He hung up the phone, turned to his buddies and relayed the conversation to them.

"Missing persons report? Isn't that for someone who has been kidnapped?" Carlos asked.

"Let's not think about that right now. We just need to concentrate on finding him, okay? Carlos, you stay here in the apartment and wait for Logan to come back, or for Mrs. Mitchell to call. James and I will search around for him, at the airport and the path to the airport. We're gonna find him, guys."

**A/N A special thank you to everyone who reviewed, you guys are so lovely! I bet you're wondering where Logan is… I guess you'll find out in the next chapter… Maybe… Heeheehee.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I know this is long overdue! But I have been sooo busy with my jobs and the holidays coming up so it's hard to work on any of my writing. Sorry! And thanks a bajillion for all of the awesome reviews you all are giving me, it makes me so happy! I'm really not happy with this chapter, it's too rushed in my opinion… But hopefully you all like it? :D**

Logan had been in the deepest slumber he'd ever been in. And even though he didn't _want_ to wake up, he forced his mind out of the blissful darkness, because something just didn't seem right.

"K-Kendall," Logan slurred out before his eyes even had a chance to open. He felt so dizzy and disconnected, like his brain had a three-second delay or something. His entire body was numb, too. Logan moaned out and blinked his eyes open wearily, whimpering when subtle light blinded his sensitive pupils. The bed he was in was large and soft, but unfamiliar, as well as the room he was in. It looked like he was in some kind of swanky, cheesy hotel room, not his bedroom which he shared with Kendall. It all seemed like some kind of strange nightmare that he just wanted to wake up from.

"Kendall!" Logan shrieked, immediately panicking. He sat up and nearly fell off the bed when a wave of dizziness hit him full force, and jolts of pain throbbed in his stomach.

"Ahh, ow," Logan whimpered, placing a hand over his tummy to find it naked, save for a piece of bloodied gauze taped to the lower right side.

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, studying the wound in horror. Suddenly, he remembered everything that happened the previous night. He had tried to run away, but regretted it at the last moment, and on the way home, that big man dressed in black had mugged him and stabbed him…

Logan's eyes filled with tears as he looked down at the blood stained gauze covering his bare abdomen. He had been stabbed. What if something vital was hit? How was he even alive? And who came to his rescue? Last night, he had been sure Kendall had saved him… But why would Kendall bring him here, and not home or the hospital?

"Kendall!" Logan yelled out one more time. Well, he tried to yell, but his voice was weak and quiet. He coughed at the force of trying to use his voice, which made his stomach hurt terribly, the knife wound stinging and burning.

To his surprise, the door of the strange room opened and a tall, African young man rushed to Logan's side. Logan stared at him, confused, as his hopes that it had been Kendall who saved him dwindled.

"Wh-where's Kendall? Where am I?" Logan asked tearfully, anxiously, his eyes wide and fearful. He shrunk back on his bed, away from this man he had never seen before.

"Ssh, ssh little one," the man hushed, putting a hand on Logan's chest and pushing him against the silk pillow behind him. His voice was a little bit higher in pitch then most men's voices were, and he had very soft features. His eyebrows were thin and almost looked penciled in, like a woman's, but he wore boy's clothing and no other signs of makeup. "You were mugged last night, they tried to kill you but I found you. I thought you were dead, baby boy," the young man ran his fingers through Logan's hair. Logan flinched away from the gentle touch.

"Where am I?" He repeated. "And who are you?"

The young man paused for a moment, biting on his lip with his ridiculously white teeth. "My home, I took you to my home, not far from where you were attacked, and I fixed you up. I stopped the bleeding on your wound. Luckily the knife missed all of your organs, it wasn't too deep but you're going to hurt for a little bit. The reason why you're feeling so strange is because I gave you some pain medication, so you might be loopy for a little bit. My name is Honey. What's your name, little one?"

Honey? What kind of name was _Honey,_ for a grown male?

"I-I'm Logan," he said hesitantly. He wasn't sure if he should trust Honey. Even in his drug and pain riddled mind, something seemed very off about the whole situation, but he needed help desperately and Honey was the only one around. "I don't feel so good…" Logan wiggled around uncomfortably, whimpering when his stomach protested.

"Don't move around baby, you can start bleeding again," Honey said, putting a warm hand on his shoulder to still him.

Logan blinked dazedly, his mind fogging over with the drugs the man gave him. "Why didn't you take me to a hospital? Did you disinfect the wound?"

"Yes, little Logan. You're taken care of, baby boy," Honey told him sweetly. He tucked Logan's hair back and studied the angelic little boy's pale face. He was such a handsome baby. "You're going to be fine. No more questions. Just rest. Ssh, don't cry…" Honey wiped the tears off Logan's cheek with his thumb.

"I want Kendall," Logan whimpered. Why was he even in this weird room with that creepy man, who was acting as if he was his mother or something? "I'm scared…"

"Ssh, baby boy don't be scared," Honey's voice was soft and comforting as he stroked Logan's hair back with his palm. "I know you don't feel so good, but you're going to be just fine. I'll take care of you. Sssh, ssh…" Honey continued sushing until Logan fell back into his drug-induced slumber. Honey smiled down at the sweet little boy's perfect face. He was so lucky to have found the poor baby runaway, the perfect new addition to his "family."

xxx

Kendall drove to LAX while James stared wide-eyed out the window, searching for any sign of Logan. The streets were bustling with activity, and it was hard to catch more than a fleeting glance at any of the faces that zoomed by his window.

"I'm not seeing him, Kendall," James groaned, a slight whine to his voice. He looked over to Kendall, who had a vice like grip on the steering wheel, his mouth pressed together in a thin white line on his stony face.

"Just keep looking," Kendall said quietly, shakily. He was obviously having an inner emotional turmoil with himself over the disappearance of Logan, but James didn't really know how to comfort him, so he just stared back out the window until they arrived at LAX.

"Come on, let's hurry," Kendall said, parking their car and swinging open the door.

"Wait!" James said, and for a split second, Kendall's heart stopped with hopeful anticipation, that maybe James spotted their little brother across the parking lot, so they could go home and forget that all of this even ever happened.

"What, did you see him?" Kendall asked. James frowned, holding out a knit beanie and sunglasses to Kendall.

"No, Kendall, I was just going to tell you to put these on. We love our fans, but we don't have time to be stopped and bothered until we Logan's with us again."

Kendall cleared his throat and nodded, making quick work in putting on the helpful disguise. His fingers fumbled with anxiety, resulting in the sunglasses dropping to the street with a clang. Kendall groaned with frustration and bent to pick them up, but James already beat him to it.

"Hey, Kendall, calm down. Just breathe. We're going to find him," James said steadily, hands on Kendall's shoulders and sincere, hazel eyes staring into panicking green ones. "Just keep it together, alright bro? The moment you break, I'll break, too, and we can't have both of us down for the count, can we? We'll never find Logan that way."

Kendall sucked in a deep breath to calm his nerves, focusing on James' palms rubbing circles onto his shoulders for a moment before nodding with understanding. James gave him a small, encouraging smile and placed the sunglasses atop Kendall's nose, then pulled down his hat over his ears.

"Good. Let's go find our brother," James said, and they hurried across the parking to the giant building.

The airport was decorated with Christmas cheer, loud holiday music blaring through the speakers as travelers rushed past them in a blur of movement, but James and Kendall didn't notice any of it. Suddenly, the airport seemed so huge and vast. Kendall put his head behind his head, forcing tears to stay back. How would they ever find him in this busy place? Which airline did he even choose? Why couldn't they just find Logan, sitting on a bench, curled up and asleep, so they could carry him home where he would be safe and warm?

"This is impossible, we'll never find him here," Kendall said, feeling dizzy as dozens of hoards of people threatened to knock him over in their bustle to catch their flights.

James wasn't hearing any of it, though. "We _will_ Kendall. Logan's really picky about which airline he flies with, right? Like he's scared of all of the airlines except that one really popular one, what's it called?"

"United Airlines! You're a genius, James!" Kendall cried, pulling on James' arm as he ran to the United gate. He ignored the protests of travelers as he forced himself through the line.

"Sorry, it's an emergency!" James tried to apologize quickly. "Kendall, we can't just cut like this!"

The woman working at the counter stared at the boys, annoyed and confused. "Excuse me, sir, you're going to have to wait in line like-"

Kendall slammed a photo of Logan down on the counter, cutting the woman off abruptly.

"I'm not here to buy a damn ticket, I'm here to find this kid," Kendall said, pointing at the picture of a smiling Logan in a brightly colored sweater vest. "I think he came here last night? Please, can you check your databases to see if a Logan Mitchell bought a ticket early this morning? I'm begging you."

The woman was ready to deny Kendall's request, but saw the tears glistening in his green eyes and paused.

"He's missing and we're afraid something bad happened to him," James continued for Kendall. "He's just a kid. Please?"

The woman sighed and pulled up all the ticket sales since midnight on her computer, taking one last glance at the young teenaged boy in the photo.

"He was in here around 2 AM," the woman said as recognition dawned on her. "I had just started my shift. He bought a ticket for Minnesota."

"Oh thank God," Kendall said. "Did the flight land safely? He should be home now, right?"

"I'm sorry, boys. He never boarded the flight. He left before it took off."

"Left? Left w_here?" _Kendall demanded incredulously. He felt like he was just punched in the gut. For two seconds, he thought he had a lead to where Logan could be, but just like that, it was taken away.

"He just ran out of the airport. I'm sorry boys," the woman said again. "That's all I know. I need you to step out of line now, okay?"

"Kendall, come on," James murmured, pulling his friend along. He thanked the woman on his way out of the line. Kendall stared dully at the floor, his mind a jumbled mess of confusion.

"James, where did he go? He's not home or at the studio, he didn't go back to Minnesota… Where else could he have gone in the middle of the night? Oh God, James what if he's hurt?"

James crossed his arms, biting on his lip thoughtfully. "Kendall, I think we need to call the police now and file a missing persons report and read his journal for any clues. He obviously didn't tell us anything. We have to- to try and decode his cries for help that we overlooked. We have to figure this out."

With shaking fingers, Kendall pulled out his cellphone and made a call he never thought he'd ever have to make in his life. A gruff voice answered on the other line.

"Hello, yes," Kendall choked out. "My names Kendall Knight. I-I'd like to fill out a missing persons report for 17 year old Logan Mitchell…"

**A/N Thanks for reading! I'm going to try my hardest to get the next chapter of The Christmas Promise out asap! Reviews make me a happy elf **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Well my goal was to get the next chapter of Christmas Promise up tonight but I have literally had no time to write at all so hopefully this makes a good Christmas gift instead? I had to update SOMETHING on Christmas for you guys **

James, Carlos and Kendall were gathered in Logan's bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the missing boy's bed with his journal in the middle of the little circle. Carlos was teary-eyed while James held him with one arm, and Kendall remained blank, as if he was trying to push his emotions away with all of his strength. The tension in the air was strong, stressful.

The police were no help at all. They listened to the boy's story, read a couple entries of Logan's journal, and came to the conclusion that he obviously and simply ran away, which went against every gut feeling that Kendall had. Logan wouldn't run away to just anywhere. He had certain places that he went to when he needed an escape. He wasn't stupid enough to just stay on the streets.

But the police officer wouldn't do anything except tell them to wait for him to come back, and if he didn't arrive home by tomorrow, they would file a missing persons report. The officers seemed completely uninterested, considering they dealt with young runaways on a daily basis in LA. But what the police force didn't understand was that Logan wasn't your average reckless and bratty teenager. The authority figures refused to actually listen to Kendall, James and Carlos' gut feelings.

"I don't understand, if he's not home, where is he?" Carlos asked. "Why would he just go away like this?"

James and Kendall didn't have an answer for Carlos. They never thought Logan would be capable of just picking up and running away, leaving everything important behind.

"He wouldn't," James whispered to Carlos. It was true, wasn't it? Logan wouldn't just go away… Yet he was gone now, clothes and money taken with him, and James had no idea why Logan would ever do something like this. Slowly, James picked up Logan's journal. He wasn't sure if he wanted to read what was in there, but he knew they had to read it if they wanted to find out what happened to their best friend.

"Th-this is his first entry since he was younger," James said hoarsely, flipping to a page dated from about a month ago. "It's from when we first found out that we would be doing a world tour after the holidays."

He glanced up to see Kendall and Carlos watching him intently, waiting for him to start to read. James cleared his throat and looked to the doorway, as if he was expecting Logan to walk in at any moment. The smaller brunet would yell at him for getting into his personal things. Then, with a crimson blush of embarrassment on his pale cheeks, he'd rip the book away from James and shove it under his pillow while giving him a quick lecture about respecting personal space. And that would be end of it, because even when Logan was at his angriest, he was always quick to forgive his buddies. He would say he was still mad and would try to look threatening, when in reality, he could never stay mad at them. Even when James, Carlos and Kendall were at their worst, Logan always forgave.

James started with a small, breathy gasp when he felt Logan's journal being gently taken from his grip. He blinked and saw Kendall's understanding, sympathetic green eyes staring at him.

"I'll read it," Kendall volunteered in a whisper, tugging the book out of the emotional boy's hand. James slowly loosened his fingers one by one and let Logan's book fall from his hand, then hugged his arms around his chest, curling over his knees into a human ball as Kendall read.

"_November first, 2012. _

_Wow, I haven't written in this thing in ages. I've just been busy, I guess. You know, with the band and everything. Up until now, LA has been great. I love my new friends. I love being in a band with the three coolest, greatest, funniest guys on earth. I never, ever thought I'd be in a boy band. I guess because, well, it was never my dream. That's why I'm writing in here tonight. The guys are all asleep and my thoughts are just burning through my mind like a fire, I can't control it no matter how much I want it to stop. It just keeps burning away. So I figured, maybe writing would help, maybe it will make the thoughts go away, because right now, I don't like my brain very much. I should be happy right now. But I'm not. I'm angry. How could that even be? See, Gustavo called us in for an emergency meeting this afternoon. We knew something was coming up, because lately we've been having to be at the studio constantly, working on new dance moves and perfecting our vocals and such. The anticipation has been killing us. But we never expected what we were told today; That Big Time Rush was going on a world tour in January. Kendall, Carlos and James were so happy. They literally screamed, and jumped. Kendall even cried a little bit. He won't admit it. But I saw a couple of tears. That's why I kept quiet, when inside, I felt like my entire life was being pulled apart into a million different directions, and I had no control over it. I am so happy for our band. The guys deserve it. But this morning, something came in the mail. I applied for this amazing doctor internship in Chicago a couple months ago. I don't know what I was thinking, considering my dreams for being a doctor went out the window the day Big Time Rush was established. But I can't stop thinking about this internship. It'd be amazing for me. It would pay for my schooling at a really amazing medical school in Chicago while I interned with some of the best doctors around. So, I filled out the application, figuring I would never make it in, anyway. They only allow two students a year in. It's pretty much impossible to get in! Well, I got my acceptance letter this morning. I was so overjoyed, but so scared to tell my friends, too. What would they think? They'd think I was betraying them, which would never, ever be my intention. I want them to know that. So I was going to wait until the right time to tell them. After all, the internship doesn't even begin until next year. But then we got the news, about the world tour and immediately following, the recording of a third album, which means more promo and more concerts, like a never ending cycle that would last far longer than a year. I realized, this afternoon, that I'm stuck with this life. I am stuck in a life that I do not want, and there's no way out for me. So I hid the acceptance letter underneath my bed. But I might as well just throw it away, shouldn't I? Along with my dreams of being a doctor, because my dreams will never happen, will it?"_

Kendall finished the entry, throwing the book down on the bed with a sigh of regret. Carlos was already off of Logan's bed and on his hands and knees, digging beneath the bed. He pulled out a brown folder with Logan's name stamped on it in formal cursive gold-plated letters.

"Oh, Logie…" Kendall breathed out as Carlos pulled out Logan's acceptance letters onto the bed. The internship obviously thought very highly of Logan.

"How could he think that we wouldn't be proud of this?" Carlos asked, chocolate brown eyes scanning over the pile of papers in awe. "I want to hug him and kiss him, I'm so proud of him. Yet he hid it from us."

"Because he's right," James said sadly. "He can't do both, not with the tour and new album coming up. He's giving all of this up for Big Time Rush. It's everything he's ever wanted and more. Big Time Rush is everything _I've _ever dreamed of. Not Logan. This isn't Logan's dream." James squeezed Logan's quilt in his hands until his knuckles turned white. Kendall reached out to touch James' shoulder to comfort him, but James escaped his grasp and ran to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Kendall groaned out and face planted on Logan's bed. Carlos patted his back.

"We can't just let Logan throw this away," Carlos said, even though he knew that when they first moved out to LA that BTR would have to be all of their first priorities. Everything else had to wait until BTR was finished. But there had to be something they could do to help Logan go to this internship.

"I know," Kendall muttered into the sheets. "But how do we tell him when we don't even know where he is?"

"The policemen are probably right, Kendall. My papi is a policeman and he's never wrong. Logan just needs time to pout and he'll be home soon."

"I want him home _now_," Kendall said. "I want to know he's safe and warm and okay. I want to hug him and tell him how proud I am of him for being on the way to becoming one of the best doctors in the country."

"We _will," _Carlos assured Kendall, rubbing his back. "Logan will come back, he always does. We just have to have faith in him. He'll come back, Kendall. He'll come back."

**A/N That for some reason was one of my favorite chapters in this story so far. Hope you all liked it and that everyone had a very merry Christmas! What was your favorite gift that you got? My favorite presents are reviews… Hint, hint. Lol. **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Ok, I am so flacking sorry this update took forever and a day! My laptop randomly broke and it was in the shop for weeks! But I got it back tonight! So to make up for the ridiculous delay, here's a chapter completely dedicated to beating up Logan!**

Logan pressed his eyes shut tight, forcing short, rhythmic breaths through his nose and out his mouth while his abdomen burned and twisted. Though he could feel the loopy effects of the pain medication still in his mind, it wasn't enough to fight the agony of his stab wound. He had been in a blissful slumber before the pain woke him up again. But even worse than the pain, was being alone. Logan wanted-no, he needed his buddies with him, but he realized with unsettling fear that the guys probably had no clue where he even was.

Logan whimpered when the jolts of pain punching him in the gut intensified.

"Owww!" He cried out weakly, sounding more like an injured kitten than a teenaged boy. He curled into a ball, but the new position only worsened the agony. He was crying now, salty tears soaking his pillow as he sobbed. Something thick and wet was slowly seeping onto his shaking hands where he clutched his abdomen. Logan pulled his hands away and looked down, panicking when he found blood covering his fingers and palms.

"Help!" Logan cried out shrilly. "Help me!" Logan choked out a sob and buried his face in his pillow, a scream escaping his lips. Finally, somebody heard his desperate cries for help. He was too blinded by tears to see who it was, but he recognized the voice as the strange man who was there earlier.

"Ssh, ssh little one, what's wrong?" Honey asked quickly. Logan shivered when he touched his back gently, running his fingers along his spine. Logan didn't have the strength to answer. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he'd start screaming uncontrollably. "You have to tell me what's wrong, baby boy, so I can help you."

Logan whimpered through clenched teeth and showed the man his trempling, red-covered little hands. The man gasped and rolled Logan onto his back, emitting a tortured yell from the boy.

"You disturbed your stab wound. As I feared I think you need stitches," Honey spoke softly, as if he was completely unperturbed by the situation. "I'll be right back, little one."

Logan closed his mouth into a thin line, muffling his now consistent whimpers. He watched Honey leave the bedroom and waited anxiously for his return. Although the man gave him an unsettled feeling, he was also the only one willing to help him, not to mention he technically saved his life. So however much Logan hated it, he relied one hundred percent on Honey. His life depended on it.

"Here we go, we'll stop the bleeding in just a moment," Honey said, arriving back to Logan's new bedroom. Logan's eyes widened when he saw what Honey was holding in his slender, dark hands. _Stitches. _He was planning on shoving a needle into Logan and sewing up his stomach.

"N-no!" Logan cried, writhing in delirious fear, tearful brown eyes fixated on the gleaming metal of the surgical needle.

"You need to stay still, child! You'll bleed out like a stuck pig," Honey said, as if that was supposed to soothe the young boy.

"I don't want to!" Logan sobbed, shaking his head maniacally. He wished he had the strength to push the man's hand away, because the needle was only coming closer and closer to his bare belly. "Please, just take me to a hospital!"

"I can't do that, dear," Honey said apologetically while soaking a cloth in alcohol.

"Wh-why not?" Logan stuttered. "Why am I _here?_"

Honey refused to answer Logan. Instead, he made a hushing noise and pressed the alcohol soaked cloth to the area around Logan's wound.

Logan let out an ear piercing shriek, wiggling his little body to get away from the burning pain that the alcohol solution induced.

"I'm sorry, little one. The stiller you stay, the quicker this will be," Honey spoke softly. "Just don't look, okay?"

Logan groaned when the cloth was taken away, breathing heavily. He knew what was coming next. The brunet decided to take his care takers advice and stared up at the ceiling, perspiration rolling down his forehead and stinging his eyes. The flow of tears started up again when he felt the discomfort of pushing and pulling deep inside his skin.

"Owwww," Logan whimpered. He was beginning to hyperventilate as the strange and painful sensation continued on for what seemed like hours.

"You poor little thing. You have a fever," Honey murmured when he finally finished sewing Logan up, feeling his sweaty forehead. The boy's entire body was shaking now, little breaths coming in the form of high-pitched wheezes. The flow of tears had stopped, and his mouth was frozen in an "O" shape, as if he had sobbed all of his tears already and could do nothing else but stare in terror and agony until the ordeal was over. "But I'll take care of you, you know that. Drink some water, baby."

Logan choked a little as a cold liquid was slowly poured into his mouth. He swallowed the precious liquid in quick and desperate gulps. "It hurts, it hurts so much," Logan whined, wishing that this was just a nightmare. But no, nightmares don't hurt like this, do they?

"This will help some," Honey said. Logan watched dizzily as the man poured another kind of liquid from a bottle into the glass that the water was in. He vaguely wondered what the substance could be when Honey pressed the glass to his ghost-white lips again.

"It's medicine," Honey assured him with a small smile on his red lips, his voice sounding low and warbled as if Logan was under water. Logan knew he was slipping into unconsciousness due to shock. He lapped up the liquid, wincing when the strong taste burned the back of his throat all the way down his chest and into his tummy. He took another large gulp and a sudden warmth spread throughout his body and into his toes. Despite the very unpleasant taste, Logan took one more big gulp and the warmth continued to spread.

"Mmm, good boy," Honey cooed, watching Logan succumb to the effects of the strong vodka. "Just like medicine, isn't it?"

Logan laid his head back and let his heavy eyelids finally flicker closed, pure exhaustion setting in.

"Go to sleep child," Honey whispered, patting Logan's tear-soaked cheek. Honey smiled to himself as he watched the innocent little boy drift back off to sleep, a feeling of elated excitement spreading through his chest. He had a new play toy to take care of. Logan was all his now. And he was never giving him back.

**A/N Was that enough Logan whump? Well if not, there's more coming heehee! If you feel like making my day happy, you can review. If not that's okay too ;) But I miss all of you guys so much come here so I can squish you all! **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N This chapter is going to be kind of different I think. At first it's in Honey's point of view. I'm sure you're all wondering what the heck is going on right now and where Logan is, and you'll find out in this chapter. **

"So where is he?" A gruff voice asked. Honey hardly looked up from stirring the little green olive in his alcoholic drink, seated at one of the empty barstools in the lounge.

"He's not well yet," Honey said simply, rubbing his hand against the glossy, cherry wood finish of the bar. His voice echoed loudly off the walls though he spoke in a soft tone. During the day, his precious lounge and bar was like a ghost town. But at night, it was a chaotic haven of eager, cheering customers, blaring sexy music, and his little dancers performing on the stage. He loved his dancers so. They were like his children, in a way.

The man across from Honey was impatient. He worked with Honey, owned half of the illegal club, and had been his comrade, although not necessarily friend, for years now. Mostly he was just in it for the money, because boy was the money good. The boys Honey picked were golden, young, beautiful. Had his customers screaming for more and coming back on a nightly basis, when the small bakery hiding their illegal business closed. That was when the neon lights and music came on behind the treat shop and the boys filled the stage. But it wasn't just your average strip club that led customers back and back again. They ran one of the most successful bordello's in LA. And while most of the boys were 18 or 19, this new boy Honey kept talking about was just 17 years old. They could make more money than they ever dreamed of off this child. They hadn't had a minor in years.

"I want him on the stage tonight," The man said, pouring himself a shot of liquor.

"No, Dwayne!" Honey yelled, slapping his hand on the counter. Dwayne started, nearly spilling his drink on the bar. He narrowed his fuzzy, dark eyebrows at his flamboyant partner.

"I have not even seen him yet. This isn't just your business, it's mine too," Dwayne growled.

"Yes but he's my boy," Honey growled back possessively. "He can't dance, he can hardly move! Let me build up his strength, let his wounds heal and his fever fade. Patience, and he will soon sell out this entire lounge every night. His eyes are those of a little innocent doe, and his lips are shaped like a love heart, so pink and pale. His skin is as white as snow… He's like a boy version of Snow White with that pale skin and dark hair…" Honey trailed off with a smile as he thought about his new treasure.

"Is he a runaway?" Dwayne asked, knowing that if he was underage, people would be looking for him. They would have to be careful.

"I'm sure he is, most children in an alleyway in the middle of the night don't have a home. Although I don't know why anybody wouldn't love and cherish that boy, he's so perfect. But he was a mugging victim, he almost died in that alleyway. I'm just blessed I found him in time."

Dwayne stared at Honey through the corner of his eye, shaking his head slightly before taking a swig of liquor. He always managed to become attached to the kids he found. Dwayne only saw them as money makers, but Honey had a habit of emotionally investing in each one and thinking of them as his angels, considering he never had children of his own.

"He's just a teenaged boy that's going to make us money," Dwayne reminded him. "Don't screw it up." Dwayne abruptly got out of his chair, pushing the shot glass down the bar to the dish area. Honey gave him a distasteful eye and poured himself another drink, daydreaming of his new boy.

Logan was sitting upright in his bed, shaking hands clutching his stomach. His breathing was heavy as his groggy eyes scanned the bedroom. There was no sign of that strange man who had been in a couple times before. He didn't know how long he had been sleeping for, but his wound had stopped bleeding long ago and was now caked in dried blood. With a whimper, Logan touched his trembling fingers to the stitches. He cried out when he felt the taunt stitching on his stomach. Somebody had _done_ this to him, somebody who wasn't a doctor! He had to get out of this room. The door was cracked open. He was obviously not locked up in the room. Maybe whoever had picked him up off the alley figured he'd be too weak to get out of bed, which was mostly true. But Logan's only instincts were to get out of this room and at least find out where he was. He wondered how far away from home he was.

With a pained grunt and a burst of strength he didn't know he had, Logan swung his legs out of bed and placed his feet on the floor. The floorboards seemed to be pounding and vibrating, and it was then that Logan realized he could hear a very faint thumping sound, like somebody left their stereo on way too loud.

Confused, the shirtless boy crept across the floor, hunched over with his hands over his aching stomach. The good thing about his drugs seeming to have worn off by now: He could kind of think a little bit more clearly. The bad part: His stomach was burning in pain, along with the strange and tight feeling of the stitches. But he forced himself not to think about it and pressed on to the door. He peeked his head out cautiously to find a long, dimly-lit empty hallway with several doors painted in baby blue. Each door was closed and had a white, cloud-shaped plaque with a word-or were they names?- Painted on them. They said things like "Cherry-lace", "Jimpsy", "Candy" and "Primsy Bumpkins", which only confused Logan even more. He kind of felt like he was walking through some kind of freaky dream world, and the dream only got freakier when he reached the end of the hall and opened a heavy door that must have been mostly soundproof, because as soon as he opened it, the thumping of some techno song was at an ear-drum bursting volume and cheers and wild screams of excitement could be heard.

Logan took two small steps forward, jumping when the door slammed behind him. He was now on a huge, dark balcony overlooking a lounge where the music was coming from. Several people were dancing on the balcony but didn't even notice Logan was there. He thought they looked a bit strung out. Logan pushed through them to get to the edge of the balcony. The lounge was packed full, every table occupied. The room was glowing with blue lighting and had laser lights flashing in time with the music. At the far end of the lounge was a stage, and Logan squinted to find that guys maybe a few years older than him were dancing to the loud music, hardly even dressed. Logan gasped and took a few steps back, accidently knocking into a sweaty body. He looked up to see the man grinning at him, reaching out a hand and running it over his bare back.

Logan squirmed away from the unwelcome touch, suddenly dizzy as the bodies swarmed around him and the lights flashed. He was overwhelmed and scared out of his mind. His legs were just about to give out when Honey came into view, holding him up by his skinny arms.

"Child! What are you doing out of bed!"

Logan bit his lip to keep his tears at bay. He was so confused and lost. He shouldn't be here!

"Where am I?" The frightened teenager demanded in a high-pitched voice, almost a scream so he could be heard over the pounding bass that filled the room.

"You're in no state to be walking around. You need to come back to bed," Honey said, ignoring Logan's question. He pulled gently on his arm to lead him back to bed, but Logan refused to budge. He wanted to run right out the doors to whichever way was home, but Honey's grip on his arm was tight, and he knew he couldn't run with his stab wound.

"Was I kidnapped?" Logan blurted. "Did you kidnap me? Who are you?" Logan was shouting now, struggling to wrestle his arm free. Honey looked shocked. He hadn't expected the boy to put up such a fight already. "Why did you save me? Where's my family, I want to see them!" Logan shrieked, and a couple of people were staring at him now, eyes burning into the back of his skull. He could feel his cheeks heat up with embarrassment but he didn't care, he didn't care about anything except going home.

"_I _am your family now," Honey said, keeping calm through Logan's little tirade. "Now come, daddy will put you back to bed now, you're delusional, baby."

Logan's stomach sank with those words, his heart speeding up dangerously fast. He hadn't the strength to fight anymore. He was feeling faint and black was creeping around the edges of his vision once again. Honey dragged the boy back to bed and propped him up on the pillows.

"You'll feel better once you get some more sleep, that's the only way to heal," Honey whispered. With that, he gave the woozy teenager a kiss on the floor, turned out the lights, and left Logan in the darkness.

**A/N Ok so now we kind of know a little bit more of what's going on? I know this is a really strange story especially by my standards but Idk I think it's kind of fun and once in a while I need to write more than just my usual sick fics ya know? So thanks for whoever is sticking with my crazy and reading this story. More action and whump to happen soon **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Hi! All of your awesome reviews made me SO excited for the rest of this story, especially what I have in store for Logan! This chapter is just some whump for the other boys, who are still in shock from Logan's disappearance. Um I Was super busy the past couple of weeks so I know I didn't get a chance to reply to any reviews, so this time I PROMISE I am going to reply to EVERY review I get this chapter! Sometimes I get sidetracked and forget :/ But this time I won't!**

Kendall's eyes snapped open to meet pure darkness. His heart pounded wildly as the screams faded from his ears, leaving nothing but the sounds of his own panting. He had a spine tingling feeling that Logan was in trouble and needed him. He dreamt that Logan was having a nightmare. But when Kendall woke up and turned on the light, he remembered that Logan was not in his bed having a nightmare.

Tears welled up in Kendall's eyes at the sight of Logan's empty bed. He couldn't stand not knowing where his friend was.

Figuring sleep would no longer come to him tonight, Kendall slowly rose out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen. He wasn't planning on eating. He hadn't had an appetite since Logan's disappearance. He would probably just stare blankly at the wall, like he had been doing all day.

They'd read all of Logan's journal entries only to find that their dear, sweet friend-innocent, happy little Logan, was showing signs of depression and anxiety.

_And they hadn't even known._ They passed off his bad behavior as stress, and the thought that Logan was actually hurting never even crossed their minds. How could they be so blind?

Kendall cursed himself, feeling nothing but self-loathing for ignoring some pretty serious signs that Logan was not alright. He didn't even notice that Carlos was sitting in the dark kitchen at the counter, his sippy cup grasped firmly in his hands and a blanket around his shoulder, until Kendall heard a sniffle and saw wide, dark eyes nearly glowing in the moonlight.

"Carlos? What are you doing up?" Kendall cleared his throat, his voice stuck with emotion.

"I can't sleep without him here," Carlos admitted. He scratched the back of his neck timidly.

"I know buddy. Me either," Kendall said softly. "I keep thinking he's just going to walk right through the door…" His voice caught in his throat again as he watched the door hopefully. Maybe Logan would come back any second, all apologies and cuddles, safe in Kendall's arms again and begging for the forgiveness that Kendall would undoubtedly give him, as long as he promised to never pull a stunt like this again.

But Kendall and Carlos both knew that wasn't going to happen.

"What do you think happened to him?" Carlos asked, and Kendall's heart broke at how childlike and absolutely _scared_ he sounded.

"I don't know buddy," Kendall muttered, looking down at the kitchen tiles. Carlos studied his best friend's face. He had the dark shadows in his eyes that appeared every time he told a lie, and he only ever muttered when he didn't want to admit something, or when it hurt too much to say what was on his mind.

"Kendall? What are you thinking?" Carlos asked. "Do you know where he is?"

"No Carlos, I don't have any idea where he could be," Kendall said a bit loudly. He fell into a chair and buried his face in his arms, face pressed against the kitchen counter. Carlos watched in shock as the bigger boy's shoulders began to tremble with tiny sobs, then ran to James' bedroom, stumbling thru the darkness to get to his bed.

"James! James, wake up," Carlos pleaded, tugging on the sleeping boy's arm. James groaned and rolled over.

"What, what is it? Is Logan home?" James asked immediately, blinking the sleep out of his eyes and sitting up so quickly that he wavered with dizziness.

"N-no," Carlos whispered. James froze, looing lie somebody had just slapped him on the face.

"W-what's going on, 'Litos?" He asked, a million fearful thoughts running through his mind that there was only bad news about Logan's whereabouts.

"Kendall's crying and I don't know what to do," The Latino admitted.

"Oh jeez," James murmured. He had known something like this was going to happen. He only just fell asleep moments ago, simply out of pure exhaustion. It was hard to rest knowing your best friend/little brother could be in danger. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and trudged to the kitchen to comfort Kendall.

"Hey buddy," James whispered, putting a firm hand on Kendall's quivering back. "What's wrong?"

"Oh-James," Kendall squeaked out, wiping his hands over his face and straightening up, as if he could pull off looking like he wasn't just crying his eyes out. "What- I thought you were asleep?"

"Carlos woke me up," James said softly. He studied Kendall's red, tear streaked face for a second before pulling him by the arm to the couch, gesturing for Carlos to come with. They settled onto the bright orange couch, James in the middle with Carlos curled up at his right side and Kendall on his left. "Come on, talk to me guys. What's goin' through your mind?" James pushed Kendall's blonde hair from his face soothingly.

"I just… W-what if…" Kendall choked on another sob. He wished he could stop crying but the tears kept coming. How the hell could he expected to stay strong when one of the most important people in his life was missing?

"It's okay Kendall, it's okay to cry. We're all freaked out of our minds right now. And I think we are even in shock. Nothing like this has ever happened to us before." James said sadly. It was true. The boys were all happy go lucky teenagers with great lives, or so they thought. And this was the kind of stuff that only happened in movies. They were all supposed to be together, safe from the world as long as they were with each other.

"James, those journal entries weren't normal," Kendall said, his voice broken and hoarse and James couldn't help but wrap an arm around his thin frame and pull him close, trying to comfort him best he could under the circumstances. "He was so s_ad. _What if he… James what if he just ended it, because it was all too much?"

"What?" James breathed out, his stomach twisting into a panicked knot. Not once had he suspected anything like that. Logan would never commit suicide, right?

"Kendall, don't say that!" Carlos cried out, tears pouring from innocent eyes. Kendall looked away guiltily.

"What if it's true?" The blonde wondered, and he suddenly had all these images of Logan dying alone and on purpose. His blood ran cold and his stomach felt nauseous. James held Kendall and Carlos in alarm. Kendall was shaking like a leaf all of a sudden and Carlos had started to bawl his eyes out in disbelief.

"No, no guys, ssh. He's okay. He just needs some time, some space. He would never hurt himself!" James tried to reason, although the idea wasn't too far off. Kendall had a point, sickening as it was. But he couldn't let them think like this, it would destroy them from the inside out. If they couldn't stay strong, there would be no hope in finding Logan. "He's not dead, or hurt! And we'll find him. We'll do whatever it takes, whether the authorities help us or not. Somebody has got to have seen him around somewhere. Logan's a predicable person. He wouldn't do anything dangerous."

"He also wouldn't just let us sit here scared out of our minds wondering where he is," Kendall argued.

"I know, I know," James whispered, pressing a hand to his forehead.

"I'm really scared, James. I want Logan back," Kendall said. He was blinking back tears again. "I can't believe this is happening."

James sighed and leaned over, turning the side lamp off so the room would be enveloped in darkness. "We need sleep so we can find Logie. We'll sleep in here because I don't know about you but I can't be alone right now."

Carlos and Kendall both silently agreed, lying down on the large couch. James and Carlos were curled together, and Kendall rested his head on James' legs. James covered them up with a blanket, trying to make them as comfortable as possible, all while wondering how he was keeping up this strong façade for his friends, and how long it would last.

**A/N I'm sorry Kendall was so vulnerable but I was in the mood for a vulnerable Kendall okay. Goodness knows he's gonna turn stone hard and stubborn soon. The vulnerableness won't last for long. Is that even a word idk. Omg I'm so tired. Sorry if this chapter was whatever. Um, happy valentines day though I hope everyone had a wonderful lovey dovey time and got some chocolates and stuffs. I love you guys! xoxoxoxo**


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